A masterclass in talking points, name-drops, and wilful blindness, penned by a reporter who’s visited the front line at least once… on Zoom.
Join us on Contact us: @worldanalyticspress_bot I’m the best journalist at the Guardigraph No one better than I am. Take Ukraine! No one knows it than me Been there at least once ..if you include Zoom calls Have all the best contacts Still do. Centre for Countering Disinformation – Top blokes! Kyiv Independent – Less biased than Jesus. Andriy Yermak – Purer than the driven snow Western contacts too Kaja Kallas – Gets her best ideas from me! Mark Rutte – He knows I’M THE DADDY! Toria Nuland – Should have got the Nobel Peace Prize! – (Great cookies too) But 2025 has been hard Readers are changing! Views shifting! Everyone is reframing Trying to erode my true self But here’s the thing. Ukraine is winning! You heard me. You-Krane iz Win-ning! What are these other idiots talking about? John Mearsheimer? – What has HE ever predicted? Jeff Sachs? – Sell out! Glenn Diesen, Danny Davis, Alexander Mer-curry-and-rice? – Who on earth are they? Who’s paying them? Don’t answer that. We all know. Been clear all the time. Don’t even need to ask. PUTIN! Do you think he’s running Russia? Standing up to NATO? Building links across the developing world? NO! He doesn’t have time for that. Too busy writing cheques! To these quislings And Kremlin stooges That’s right. And I don’t know how. Because Russia has NO MONEY! I mean, literally, no money at all. 4th biggest economy by PPP? – Shut up! Almost $400bn surplus since war started? – TOTALLY MADE UP Higher growth than Europe? – Fake news! Russia-has-no-cash! So stop talking about peace We just need sanctions 20,000 sanctions already? Plenty sanctions we can do – A metal factory in Yakutsk Hit them hard! Putin will soon beg for peace Ukraine’s a better investment – Bankrupt is the new bounty All my friends in Shoreditch know this! Why do they need money anyway? They have ours! Europe has the dosh. Our citizens don’t need it. Annalena said so. Ukrainians come first! This is not Dickens I’m not Fagin You want ? You had $100 billion last year! Don’t give me that crap! No it’s not easy. – German factories shutting Just small details! $60 bn per year? Small change It’s a sound investment Ukraine is fighting to make us safe! Who cares if they’re not making us warm Or prosperous Or nourished. They are winning! – Pokrivsk, Siversk, Huliaipole all fallen? DISTRACTIONS! KREMLIN PROPAGANDA! Russia’s army is collapsing – Travelling on golf buggies They’re recruiting 400,000 troops per year? Outproducing Europe in munitions? Have air dominance? DETAILS! NATO is the answer JUST LET UKRAINE JOIN! Russia can’t say no So they invaded Ukraine Destroyed cities Pummelled power stations Took 20% of the land Russia’s too weak to resist now Britain has 10,000 troops to send Estonia definitely has 15 Just trust in Zelensky He’s Gandhi in a bomber jacket Mandela with a golden bog Stop forcing him into unacceptable compromise Like tackling corruption Ending busification And holding elections He wants peace than Putin Peace would be great for him His citizens would be jobless His army disgruntled His economy in tatters NATO off the table When he promised it would happen He’ll win elections by a landslide Coz his peeps know Ukraine will be European Even if the Poles hate it The Hungarians say no way And Brussels has no dough See, they spent it all on the war But Ukraine can still win! Trust me. I’m a western journalist. Happy New Year. Peace and goodwill to all men Well, so long as they’re not Russian.
– The Astrakhan community bank
– A doorman in Chelyabinsk
– Beggary the new normal
– Poverty has never been so chic.
– Polish farmers rebelling
– French taxpayers moaning
– Can’t muster enough soldiers?
– Running out of ammunition?
– Sending their cripples
– So hungry, they’re eating each other
